ANDREA: Thank you for sitting down with us.
BURT: You’re welcome Andrea, I’m happy to be here.
ANDREA: Okay, so as you know many citizens of Grenda have been worried their stock is simply going to keep falling. How do you respond to that?
BURT: Well Andrea, Frellik’s lower tariffs and the recent bill that allows for steel to be sold at foreign markets will help steady that fall, now I won’t promise it will shoot up. It will hangout on a “fine” line.
ANDREA: Okay, and how will the recent sugar strike affect the Halfstyle stock?
BURT: What company is that again?
ANDREA: That would be the clothing brand.
BURT: So I’d say a lot. I mean this strike would make it hard for them to get the supplies to keep those shirts at those famously low prices.
ANDREA: They use sugar in their production?
BURT: Yeah?
ANDREA: And you know this how?
BURT: Uhh, I’ll be honest Andrea I have no Idea, I lied earlier too. In truth all I’ve done is lie in this whole career.
ANDREA: Camera crew, let’s stop here.
BURT: No Andrea, the people need to hear this.
ANDREA: Alright then, we have food services if you need a break.
BURT: You think I’m crazy?
ANDREA: No, Burt, no one thinks you’re crazy.
BURT: I am not crazy! There is no way we know how this stock thing works. You know what our computers are designed for? THE STOCK MARKET! Now mind you It takes these things a month to have an answer. One word every time. Every time!
ANDREA: And what is that word?
BURT: HELP, the word is HELP. The machines don’t know! We certainly don’t! It doesn’t matter if I spent two hundred years in school for this, or that I have the most powerful brain implant made for the stock market! We have no idea!
ANDREA: Then what is running the stock market?
BURT: Faith, people think religion takes faith. It’s got nothing on the stock market. You got to trust trillions upon trillions of humans. All who hate each other or are indifferent to each other. Then you add corporations eating eachother like sharks. Always shifting their economies so much you’d think the charts are break dancing. Of course the government always tries to “help” and that just adds layers of dizziness.
BURT: And in truth Andrea. The fact that we think we can even begin to calculate the amount of money that is moved? It just shows you how simply STUPID we as species are. The fact we got to the stars is a miracle!
BURT: Just to tell you there are almost a million planets colonized at this point. With their being close to three trillion businesses. Not including the blackmarket, or off the grid stuff. Which actually accounts for eight percent of the economy. I just lied. I have no idea how many businesses there are. It’s a habit, sorry.
ANDREA: So what do we know? It can’t all be unknown.
BURT: Nothing, the computer networks will never be able to comprehend it. You’d have more luck flipping a coin.
ANDREA: Well, I imagine this interview is over, thank you for your time.
BURT: Wait before we go, let me answer one more stock question.
ANDREA: Uh, sure, you sure you can handle this?
BURT: No worries, we still got five minutes right?
ANDREA: So a viewer asks if the SFG stock will rise with the recent merger with Minstro?
BURT: Okay, so we’re going to take this coin.
ANDREA: Alright, cut the cameras! Cut the cameras!